There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a railway carriage travelling through India. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking: “The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.”
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: “The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.”
The Irishman was thinking: “This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I’ll make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again.”
Three railway workers, an Australian, a Scotsman and a Frenchman, are all sitting down to lunch.
The Australian says, “If I get another vegemite sandwich in my lunch, I’ll kill myself.”
The Scotsman says, “If I get another slice of haggis in my lunch, I’ll kill myself.”
The Frenchman says, “If I get another frogs-leg sandwich in my lunch, I’ll kill myself.”
The next day, all three men get the same lunches, so they throw themselves in front of an oncoming train.
At the funeral the Australian’s wife says, “If only I hadn’t packed a vegemite sandwich that day.”
The Scotsman’s wife says, “If only I hadn’t packed a slice of haggis that day.”
“Don’t look at me,” says the Frenchman’s wife. “He packed his own lunch.
Bruce and Tom were a couple of drinking buddies, who worked as railway mechanics at Sydney’s Eveleigh Sheds. One day the Union called a Stop Work – so the two men were sitting around with nothing to do.
Bruce said, “I wish we had something to drink”.
Tom said, “Me too. You know I have heard you can diesel fuel and get a buzz. You want to try it?”
So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high-octane and got completely smashed. The next morning Bruce wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels great. No hangovers!
No bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings…it’s Tom!
Tom says “Hey, how do you feel this morning?”
Bruce says, “I feel great, how about you?”
Tom says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hang over?”
Bruce says, “No, that train fuel is great stuff-no hangovers-nothing. We ought to do this more often.”
“Yea, well there’s just one thing……”
“Have you farted yet?”
“Well don’t, cause I’m in Adelaide.”
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first Class dining section of the train. The woman sneezed, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently in her seat. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes passed. The woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently in her seat. The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently. The man had finally had all he could handle. He turned to the woman and said, “You’ve sneezed three times, you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?” The woman replied, “I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.” The man was feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, “I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?” The woman looked at him and said, “Pepper.”
A lawyer gets on a train to go to Melbourne. He sits next to a poor farmer. To pass the time the lawyer decides to play a game with the farmer.
“I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me five dollars. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get fifty dollars. You ask me a question first.”
The farmer thinks for a while.
“I know”, he says, “what has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?”
The lawyer is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train is approaching Melbourne. As it pulls into the station, the lawyer takes out fifty dollars and gives it to the farmer.
“I don’t know – What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?”
The farmer takes the fifty dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out five dollars and hands it to the lawyer and says:
“I don’t know either